The Counterintuitive Coach

It's Not About Affirmations

2010-05-31T22:08:00.012-05:00

By: Niloofar Shahmohammadi

niloofarjones.blogspot.com

Have you tried everything to overcome the feeling of inner emptiness? Have you looked for joy in things, people, places only to be disappointed? Maybe you've tried various types of therapy or the standard self-help fare. Read on to find out why "affirmations"and other typical "how to be happy" tips won't work...and find out what will.
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Last week, in my article “It’s Not About The Desire”, I promised to discuss how to feel happy inside (which can never come from anything outside…whoulda thought?!) If you thought my answer to experiencing inner peace was going to be something like:

“Love yourself!”

….you’re wrong.

Well, partly wrong.

See, the problem with clichés like, “You need to love yourself” (before anyone else can love you, before you can love anyone else, before you can feel happy, before you can stop feeling depressed, etc.) are that no one knows what that MEANS! I remember my elementary school counselor coming into my kindergarten class and telling us all to love ourselves, but unfortunately most of the people I know are flunking in that department. Many of my classmates turned out to be math whizzes or literary geniuses, but I’m hard-pressed to think of someone who is a model of total love.

Unfortunately, in our society, we have very few models of loving behavior, and even more unfortunately, society calls all kinds of behaviors “love”, that are not love at all.

So I’m not going to sit here and tell you that all the problems in your life have to do with a lack of self-love.

When people hear that, the most common response besides, “I don’t know how to love myself” (or “That’s bull****!”) is to start doing affirmations like “I am beautiful. I am worthy”, as your brain screams, “No I’m not!!! How about ‘I am a LIAR!! Why don’t you try that one on for size!!’” The more you try to use “positive self-talk” the more frustrated you will feel. It’s exhausting, it feels fake, and it just plain doesn’t work.

You’re trying to CREATE love inside of yourself or CREATE happiness or joy…and those are not feelings that can be manufactured. Those are feelings that must be OPENED to.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Jalal ad-Din Rumi (13^th century Persian Poet)

So what are some of the barriers to loving yourself (and subsequently others and life itself)? It’s often much easier to arrive at what something is, by taking a look at what it is not!

Love is not:

SOMEONE ELSE – If you read last week’s article it would seem to go without saying, but a reminder can’t hurt. Love is not someone else and does NOT come from someone else. Even if you have an amazing person in front of you who loves you with all their heart, if you do not feel connected within, you will not be able to experience this love. ALSO, you must remember that you shouldn’t love yourself “so that someone else will love me.” This is just a sneaky way of trying to get someone else to do it for you.

Judgment - Oh the irony! Here I am, a self-help writer telling you not to judge yourself. The entire self-help industry is built around this idea that we are broken and need fixing. We need “improving.” The even greater irony is that when we realize that it’s harmful to judge ourselves…we start to judge ourselves for judging ourselves! But the truth is, if you want to open to the love that is always available…you need to drop judgment. You are not too fat, too tall, too mean, too serious, too lazy…

You just are what you are…and it’s ok!! This doesn’t mean you won’t change. But the first step in change is total acceptance of the NOW.

Stuffing – I don’t mean Stovetop Stuffing…that feels like love to me! I’m talking about stuffing your feelings. You can stuff your feelings in any number of ways. Substances, watching TV, exercise…almost anything…even something seemingly positive…can be an attempt to avoid addressing difficult feelings. If someone you loved, like your child for instance, came to you and told you they were experiencing difficult emotions..would you ignore him or her or give him or her some candy to make the bad feelings go away? Hopefully when a loved one comes to you and tells you they are hurting, you access your empathy and listen. Do you listen to yourself?

Competition – When we try to compete with other people, we are coming from a place of lack and not accepting our own unique gifts and our own unique “job” on this planet. You don’t need to be like anyone else or be BETTER than anyone else. Who defines “better” anyway? Anytime you mentally decide that you are better than or less than somebody else, you have stepped away from self-love.

The list of what love is not could go on and on, and each of these points could be greatly expanded upon, but for now, notice this week anytime you move into judgment, stuffing your feelings, competition, or trying to get someone else to fill your emptiness. As you recognize and release these barriers, you have moved that much closer to the peace and joy that is always available to you at this very moment. As one of my favorite teachers, Dr. Chuck Spezzano says, “Just get out of your own way!”

Move aside! ;)

Niloo

Summary:

It’s Not About: Manufacturing happiness/love

It Is About: Opening to happiness/love

*Experiencing love and joy right now is not about positive affirmations, changing your haircut, or DOING something to make yourself feel better.

*The reason you are not experiencing peace or as much happiness as you know is possible is because you have blocked yourself from it (it is already there!) Think of these barriers as clouds covering up the sun. As you allow these clouds to pass, the sun that was always hiding there will be revealed.

*Blocks to love include seeking it in someone else, judgment, stuffing your feelings, and competitiveness.

It's Not About the Desire

2010-05-24T23:48:00.001-05:00

by: Niloofar Shahmohammadi

niloofarjones.blogspot.com

What do you want most in life? What do you fantasize and daydream about having? Is it an expensive car? A significant other? More money? A nicer house? A more interesting job? A prettier face? A trimmer body? Read on to find out why your true desire might be something other than what you think.

What if I told you that there’s a brand new HOUSE behind door #1!!? It’s yours RIGHT NOW! How would you be feeling? Elated?

But wait!

What if I told you that this brand new house, beautiful and expensive as it is, is going to cause you more headaches than you can even imagine. It’s so big that you spend most of your time trying to keep all 500 rooms clean, your neighbors are pompous jerks and now you’re a constant target of theft. Would you still want your multimillion-dollar mansion?

No?

Hmmm…

Ok…let’s say you really really want a significant other. What if I told you that the heavens just opened up and dropped your twin flame out of the sky and she’s waiting for you behind door #2? How would you be feeling?

Now hold your horses!

What if I told you that this girl, as perfect as she is for you, is going to bring about terrible anxiety? You’re going to have to explore all kinds of deep wounds you didn’t even know you had. Oh and I told you that you’re going to be plagued with a constant fear of losing her, right? Still sure you want to meet her?

No?

Ok, ok…just wait until you see what’s behind door #3! A BRAND NEW BODY!! Complete with a new face and a year’s supply of dog food! Are you screaming up and down like a maniac yet?

Not so fast!

What if I told you that everyone is going to be jealous of your new looks….people are going to be mean to you….romantic partners are going to use you….you won’t be able to trust anyone anymore and you will eventually fall into a deep depression for which there is no cure. Still sure you’re ready to trade in your thunder thighs?

No?

Well this is so odd. I could have sworn you really really wanted these things!

This just goes to show that it’s never about the desire itself. It’s never about the new car or the new face or the new boobs or the new dinette set. Those desires are just symbols. What it’s really about is the feeling that you hope will come with that tangible thing or person. If you found out that the object or person would not bring you that feeling you wouldn’t want the object or person anymore.

In other words, the desire is just a means to an end. And the “end” is always a feeling.

In fact, our entire society, the entire world, revolves around people trying to feel (or not feel!) a feeling. Notice from now on how everything you do, even the simplest things like scratching an itch or making a sandwich, is motivated by this desire. It could be the desire to relieve boredom, to feel superior, to feel safe, to feel joyful, to feel special, to feel loved…or it could be the desire to avoid feeling sad, avoid feeling alone, to suppress anxiety. But in the end, almost every action you take, almost every dream you dream, large or small, is to achieve this one goal. Even the most logical, mathematical-minded, unemotional, cerebral egghead, is still doing things (maybe even to his or her surprise!) to feel or avoid feeling a feeling!

The truth of the matter, however, is that most of the time, if you don’t already feel that way inside, then that “thing” is not going to change your mood except maybe very temporarily. That is why we get so excited when we get a new “toy” only to get tired of it after a while and start searching for a new one. Several psychological studies have shown time and time again that people overestimate how happy they will be when something they desired finally happens. There is an initial spike in happiness…but eventually the person goes back to his or her happiness “set point.” We are constantly looking to something “out there” to bring us joy, but if we don’t feel joy within, then nothing out there will ever be able to fill up that void.

I’ve met many people who tell me, “Well, but I know material things won’t buy happiness. I don’t need lots of money or a nice car. I’m focused on people and relationships, and doing something meaningful with my life. I know that’s what’s important.”

The problem is that, often, this person has not really dealt with the root feeling of “The Void”, but rather has just substituted one drug for another. While society might deem the desire for “healthy relationships” and “meaningful life’s work” a more noble goal than money or material things, as long as you are using a significant other or a career to fill the inner emptiness and avoid the disconnection in your heart, you will be sorely disappointed.

In fact, there is proof of this every day in the tabloids and entertainment magazines.

If beauty brought happiness…then why are so many beautiful models and actresses such a train wreck? And why do their boyfriends and husbands cheat on them?

If money brought happiness why are so many of these celebrities turning to drugs or otherwise appear mentally unstable?

If a partner brought happiness (a beautiful rich partner at that!) then why have most celebrities been married and divorced about 17 times?

I once heard a therapist talking about how his favorite clients are the rich and beautiful ones because they at least know that money and beauty is not the answer. What many don’t realize is that money will not take away the inner emptiness. It will not heal your relationships. Most importantly, it will not heal your relationship with yourself. Now you’ll just be the same depressed person except in a bigger house with a nicer car on a pretty island somewhere. It can almost make you feel worse, because that’s when you think “If even after all this I’m not happy…if this is not the answer….then what is?!?”

But that can also be the moment where you have your breakthrough. “Wow, it was never about any of this stuff….it was just about feeling happy inside.”

And the happy inside feeling can only come from one place. Can you guess where? (this is not a trick question!)

INSIDE.

Just remember the next time you are coveting something...that what you’re really wanting is the feeling that you think goes with it…and believe it or not, that feeling is available to you right here. Right now. The only thing preventing you from experiencing it is the LIE you’ve told yourself that you must first have this “thing”.

It is important to note that there is nothing wrong with desires, but there is something wrong with **attachment** to desires and thinking that a desire will bring happiness or peace. Ask yourself what the root feeling you want is and then tell yourself “I could have that feeling right now. I don’t need the object. I’ve been lying to myself.”

And ONLY when you’ve become a joyful person here and now, will any of those outside things bring you any pleasure.

“But what is all this about joy inside? Why don’t I feel it? Can I just have the house behind door #1?” The answers to that and more in next Tuesday’s article.

For now, happy letting go of your attachments!
:),
Niloo

Summary:

It’s Not About: the desire

It is About: the feeling

*If what you wanted really brought happiness, then people who had this thing would be happy and peaceful…are they?

*Nothing outside of you can make you happy, not even non-material things like a person or a satisfying job

*Stop lying to yourself and telling yourself that the ONLY way you can have the feeling you want is by getting the object or person you associate with it.

*Happiness is always available to you right here right now in the moment...you just have to open up to it.

The Pancake Process

2010-05-18T00:11:00.000-05:00

by: Niloofar Shahmohammadi

niloofarjones.blogspot.com

What do pancakes have to teach us about proper communication? Read on to find out!

After regaling her with my thousandth “Gosh-darn-it-I-didn’t-bring-up-something-in-the –moment-while-I-had-the-chance” story, my wise friend Willow (check out her blog at brillianceinsight.wordpress.com) came up with a term for these sorts of lost opportunities: cold pancakes. In other words, life will often present us with an opportunity to do or say something, a warm pancake, and if we don’t act in that moment, later on it’s usually too late. Our warm fluffy pancake is now cold and stale. I have expanded this term into an entire Pancake Theory, which is the subject of this article.

To begin, let’s close our eyes, take a deep breath…and pretend you and your loved one are at the International House of Pancakes (IHOP) having a (horribly-high-calorie!) breakfast together (guilt-free! As long as it’s just a daydream we might as well enjoy this!). You order the full-stack of buttermilk pancakes (or delicious pancakes of your choice) and your breakfast companion orders the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity. You’re sitting across from each other having a nice chat when the waitress finally brings you your delicious stack of buttery warm pancake goodness. Here’s where the fun begins!

Sharing Your Pancakes

Imagine that your companion, as he bites into his first piece of Fruity, says or does something that upsets you. Quick! What are you going to do?

Cold Pancakes

If you’re like me, you will go into your head, think about what the appropriate response is, whether you are in the right to say something, whether you should just let it go, whether you are making a mountain out of a molehill…then next thing you know you’re in 2075 and wouldn’t be dining at IHOP anyway because you can’t eat solid foods.

This is a classic cold pancake. You’ve waited so long to act, that now you don’t have a choice…the decision has been made for you. You had this great delicious warm pancake in front of you, and you debated for so long whether or not you should share the pancake and offer your breakfast buddy a bite, that now it’s cold and stale and he’s much less likely to want to try it. And to make matters worse, now you can’t enjoy it either. You had a moment in time where it was fresh and warm and available to you. You could have both shared it and enjoyed it. Now neither of you get to eat it, and you’re left feeling empty and hungry. You’ve deprived the both of you of a chance at true connection.

Microwaving Your Pancakes

And don’t you try to bring it up 3 hours later now that you’ve finally “figured it out.” Because now that your pancake is cold and stale…how likely do you think your partner is to be open to tasting it? After the fact, no matter how sweetly you do it, no matter how many “I-statements” you use (this is what I call the Cold Pancake with Cold Syrup on Top), the other person is not likely to be interested.

“Thanks but no thanks for offering me a piece of your cold stale breakfast.”

Real connection can only happen in the moment. The pancake is at it’s most delicious when served hot. If you act in the moment, your partner gets to feel your real feelings in the moment, and not hear your explanation of what you were feeling (which just doesn’t have the same potency) 10 days later.

Your partner also may not even remember the situation and will not know what you are talking about or not want to revisit it. Who would? I’ve never heard of anyone asking for their pancakes cold. Even if you try to be as loving as possible and recreate the emotions as much as you can…this is like microwaving your 3-day old leftovers. It just doesn’t taste quite the same. Trust me, I don’t recommend it.

Pasta Pancakes

Ok, so here I am telling you to take advantage of the moment while you can, but what if you have the opposite problem? There are those people who don’t even think but a second before they’re flying off the handle, “expressing their feelings” with blame, rage, and plate smashing (and not preceded by an “Opa!” either!)

In the pancake world, this is the equivalent of the waitress setting your food on the table, and without even offering to share your pancake with your guest, you instead pierce a whole cake with your fork, stand up and start trying to force his or her mouth open and shove the food in. Even if your partner wanted a bite of your food…he or she is probably going to naturally clench his teeth, wall off, and you will not be able to get in even a crumb. Whether it’s your food or your feelings, force-feeding someone is only appropriate if you’re an Italian grandmother…hence the name Pasta Pancakes. If you’re not old and from the Old Country…put your fork down, take a deep breath, and let the other person make an autonomous decision. It will work out better for you both that way.

The Proper Pancake Process

So now that I’ve told you what NOT to do…you might be thinking “Well what does a proper pancake process look like?” Not to worry! Here are the steps! Communication just makes so much more sense when you think of it in terms of breakfast.

1) When the food is delivered (a.ka. when the moment of opportunity arises), take a deep breath, pause for a moment and then get in touch with your feelings about what you want to do. Don’t try go into your head and decide what you “should” do…trust your stomach…is it saying “I can’t eat all this by myself…let’s offer some to my friend here” or is it saying “I really want to take care of this meal myself”?

2) Don’t wait longer than a minute to make this decision. Think about how long you would wait to truly offer food to someone. You might have just enough time to unroll your napkin and place it on your lap. Pour yourself a cup of tea…then before you take a bite you offer some to the other person. Don’t fall into the anxiety trap of making the right decision. Remember that no decision is still a decision.

3) If you decide that you want to share pancakes, only OFFER the pancakes. No force-feeding…no insisting. All you can do is lovingly offer a bite. If the other person is not open to it, it is up to you to decide what to do. Will you get a to-go box for the part you can’t eat? Will you finish the food by yourself? The choice is now yours. But don’t be pushy. No one likes to be forced to eat when they’re not hungry. If you decide to do this…be forewarned…the results could be unpleasant.

Pancake Paralysis

Some of you might be thinking, “Well that’s all lovely…I get the process…but I just really seem to get stuck at Step 1…I can’t decide fast enough…what do I do?”

Let’s take a look at why you are getting stuck. Why do you sit there and stare and debate while your food is growing cold?

One reason is that you probably fear that you will regret having offered to share. You have a big stack of pancakes, you would like your partner to try some, but you worry

“Well, but what if I make a mistake and actually would have rather eaten them all myself? What if I really don’t want to share? What if he takes too many? What if I’m left hungry after sharing? .What if? What if…?”

…HAPPY NEW YEAR 2075!!!

You need to realize that your fears of “making a mistake” are paralyzing you and actually a MISTAKE IN AND OF THEMSELVES. If your relationship is so shakey that you can’t make a simple “mistake” of sharing something it turns out maybe you shouldn’t have shared, then that was a relationship that was going to fail sooner or later anyway. And if you have to stress so much about whether or not you can share a pancake, then you are not being real, comfortable, or trusting the moment. The Universe (and our loved ones) are actually much more forgiving than we realize. If it turns out you share something you “shouldn’t” have, it will just be a lesson learned and next time you order the full-stack you will keep it all to yourself.

The Universe is ALWAYS serving up more pancakes and flipping them our way…so if you share and it was the “wrong” thing to do…don’t worry, you won’t go hungry…

The same thing is true of NOT sharing. Don’t beat yourself up for missing an opportunity because the Universe is like a line cook and WILL flip some flapjacks over your way again…you WILL have another opportunity to bring up the thing that bothers you, as “the problem” will almost always manifest itself again in one way or another.

Just try not to make a habit of cold-pancaking it. Remember, a business who continually served up cold pancakes to its customers probably wouldn’t do too well…and neither would a relationship. IHOCP just doesn’t have that same ring to it.

Bon Apetit!

Niloo

P.S. Get it while it’s hot!! ;)

It's Not About the BBQ Sauce

2010-05-12T13:37:00.001-05:00

Several months ago I saw a couple where the wife was frustrated because her husband was pouring BBQ sauce all over the fancy meals she made. She said that she would often just “let it go”, but it actually made her really angry. “I put all this work into making this nice meal, and I’m a good cook, and he won’t even taste it first! Just dumps BBQ sauce all over it. I think it’s offensive and makes me feel like ‘why did I even bother?’” She insisted that he should not do that, and she wished he would just stop with the behavior.

It was at this point that I told her, “It’s not about the BBQ sauce.”

You see, when something someone else does upsets us…99% of the time it’s NOT about the actual thing the person did. It’s about the MEANING we are attaching to that behavior. It’s about the STORY we are telling ourselves about what this behavior really means. And let me tell you, most of us are not very creative writers...usually our stories all boil down to the same old thing: “She/He doesn’t love me.”

So in this case, the wife’s INTERPRETATION of her husband’s behavior was that dumping BBQ sauce on her lovingly prepared meal was a way of negating the effort and saying “Your cooking doesn’t taste very good”, “Thanks but no thanks for your efforts,” “I don’t really care about the work you put in”, “I don’t really care about YOU, period”, and basically, “You suck.”

Guess what the husband really meant by his behavior?

Nothing.

He just really really likes BBQ sauce. He was grateful for the meal. Appreciative of the work. It wasn’t even ABOUT his wife at all. He just had the palette of a 5-year old who likes to dip his fancy chicken nuggets in lots of sauce. And that’s ALL it was about.

For the wife, that’s NOT what it was all about though. She thought he needed to stop doing it. Thought it was mean and hurtful. But the truth is, it’s not about the BBQ sauce. It’s not the BBQ sauce behavior that was hurting her feelings. SHE WAS. She was hurting herself by the story she was telling herself about what this behavior means.

Sure, she could probably get him to stop…but the truth is that would actually NOT be satisfying to either of them in the long-run. If she complained and he stopped doing it, she would still find other ways to feel unloved…and she would also think “Well, the only reason he stopped is because I told him to.” And the husband would feel controlled and resentful. Now maybe not just over this one instance…but if this becomes a pattern in the relationship, as it is in MANY relationships (each person trying to control the other’s behavior to make themselves feel ok)…there WILL be problems, deadness, distance, and resentment in the long run. Both members are deprived of the joy of truly giving and receiving of their own will, and being fully accepted for who they are.

Now, you might be thinking…”Well, that BBQ sauce example is just silly. She was being oversensitive. My partner actually does really bad things! She should stop!”

But this applies to a MYRIAD of situations.

Here is the litmus test for whether you are the cause of your own bad feelings: “Could someone else somewhere in the world react differently to this behavior than I am reacting right now?”

So if your husband just murdered your puppy….chances are, someone in the world would NOT have a different reaction than the terror and outrage and grief you are feeling right now! Or if the issues is “My partner is having sex with other people”…then that is a deeper moral issue that you need to evaluate for yourself. Do you want to be in an open relationship or do you want to be monogamous? But in the BBQ sauce example, we can see that another wife may have just shrugged her shoulders or not even given the BBQ sauce a second thought.

This means that it is NOT THE BEHAVIOR ITSELF that is the problem…it’s YOUR interpretation. In fact, MOST behaviors are in themselves neutral. It’s the intention behind them, and the stories we MAKE UP about the other person’s intention, that give the behavior a positive or a negative connotation.

I actually heard another wife complaining the other day about (it feels funny to write about this in a self-help article!) her husband passing gas. Yes, farting. “You just don’t even know how it makes me feel. It makes me feel like TRASH. So disrespected. So worthless.” In other words, she was interpreting his gas to mean “I don’t care about you at all.”

Let’s use the litmus test here:

“Could someone else somewhere in the world react differently to this behavior?” The answer is a resounding YES! I know some women who will just laugh! They know their partner loves them, and they love themselves…and farts are the result of broccoli or Taco Bell for lunch….nothing to do with THEM. I know some women who fart themselves. It’s just gas. So what are you telling yourself about the gas? You have the power to make yourself very unhappy…or you have the power to choose to be happy…in every moment and in response to a myriad of behaviors, which more often than not, have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

But we humans are very egotistical, and we like to make everything about ourselves. Everything someone else is doing or not doing, ESPECIALLY our significant other, in some way is ABOUT US! (not!!!)

Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself the next time you complain about something. You will NOT find a “perfect” partner out there in the world, who is going to meet all your made-up conditions for love. “If my partner loved me, he would not dump bbq sauce on his food.” “If my partner loved me, he would not play video games.” “If my partner loved me she would call me every 3 hours.” Your life will be MUCH easier when you learn to separate out BEHAVIORS (facts) from MEANINGS (interpretations). You can ALWAYS change how you respond to something, and in doing so, you might just find that the other person is more willing to change. People don’t like to be controlled…but when they feel accepted…anything is possible!

Summary:

It’s not about: the behavior.

It is about: your interpretation/story about the behavior.

*You are often the cause of your own bad feelings. It's NOT what the other person is doing...it's what you are telling yourself that is making you feel bad.

*You and your partner will BOTH be happier if you can be more accepting of each other instead of getting into power struggles. As you stop lying to yourself about what the other person’s behavior means and stop pushing on your partner to change this behavior…the whole mood will lighten and things will be a lot more FUN.

Good luck!! Have fun rewriting those negative stories!!

P.S. This principle applies to ALL relationships....the one you have with your parents, your boss, your best friend....just repeat the mantra, "It's not about the BBQ sauce!" :)

~Niloo